Well hello. Rejoice, i've concluded my research for Warburtons and i thought i'd share some of my findings with you. Obviously i can't divulge brand names and i won't bore you with every bread tested, i mean there were so many and one white slice is pretty much like another etc.
Granary: In many respects the king of high street loafs. Far more than being brown dread..... ;P, it has a nutty malty taste and 'bits' in it. Nice easy action although the 'bits' can often result in unessecary wiping due to the appearance of the bread itself. 'Seeded Batch' type breads are even worse for this having, erm, lots of seeds in. 5/10
Garlic bread: The staple starter in any Italian restaurant (although very few get it right) and made immortal by Peter Kay with his 'Garlic Bread' routine.... 'bread? Wi' Garlic?'...... a routine mimicked by every wanker in an Italian Restaurant whenever a table companion asks for it. Garlic on sensitive areas is a no no....couple this with hot bread and it doubles the pleasure...or pain, which every you are into. Added to that fact is the copious amounts of olive oil which make a clean up operation akin to a small scale Exxon Valdez type incident. 4/10
Breadsticks: Another stalwart of the Italian restaurant are breadsticks. Often to be found in a tall glass receptical they serve no fucking puropse whatsoever. If anyone can tell me the real point of these things then let me know. Low in nutritional value and taste they are as indifferent and bland as your average Toyota Corolla driver. The only visable purpose i've seen is they cause impatient kids in the restaurant to get their wrists slapped by their marriage in crisis parents because 'you wont eat your pizza when it arrives'....
Kids under 10 should be barred from restaurants anyway and as for toddlers, jesus !! Don't provide high chairs for fucks sake, you're encouraging the bastards to bring the result of their sexing to what should be a relaxed and enjoyable evening......... and ruining it for everyone. Breadsticks, smooth thin and hard they have no arsewiping capability either, you'd be better off wiping it on a toddler. 0/10
Ryvita types: Popular with people 'watching their weight' these crispy crunchy low fat snacks make a refreshing change in anyones lunch box. However as far as the dirt box goes you may as well wipe with 36 grit sanding paper, a further hinderance being their lack of flexibilty, they just don't follow contors and tend to break up easily when persuaded to do so. In other words a right fucking mess, definately one for eating instead. 2/10
Crispy baguette aka French Stick: As distinctive as a man in a black and white stripey top with a beret on his head, onions around his neck and goes by the name Pierre, its the big bagette. One long stroke can get the job pretty much done, however use the underside as the crispy, crunchy, bumpy upper half will make you shout 'ooh la la' all to easily 6/10
Milk Roll: Best of the bunch really, a handy size and shape, soft, no bits, flexible and not flaky. 10/10 Go wipe your arse on this and feel like a King......for about 5 seconds......if you want to feel like a King for a bit longer get someone else to do it...groom of the stool.
Anyway enough fudge funnel foolery, i've got more important work to be doing
