Another dull weekend over with. Lovely hangover all sunday, not had one like that for ages....yawn, still gotta take nan to 'iceland' for some shopping this aft. I wonder if i'll bump into Kerry Katona like off the advert....'mums gone to iceland' and wheres Dad gone? 'He's run off with Delta Goodrem that Australian singer'.....Still kids, think of all that free frozen processed food you'll get now mum is promoting 'iceland'. Thanks to the chemical additions you'll grow up really big and tall and sickly like some battery farmed ukranian chicken...bok bok bok.....

Jesus what a palava, took nan to 'iceland'...talk about dither, hurry up and die woman. I had enough so went on the look out for Kerry Katona, i was hoping to bump into her and ask her how many cats she owned, she won't of heard that one before, she'll prolly piss herself laughing......maybe i could 'pap' her pissing like paula radcliffe.I reckon she'd thank me if the whole Iceland deal falls through.
Come to think of it her ex husband doesn't seem to work much anymore, is Delta helping pay for his kids? who knows, maybe i could of asked her that too...but she wasn't there. I wonder what liz and 'tash are upto? Are the Atomic Kittens still platonic kittens?
Anyway, whilst Ms Katona was prolly opening a swimming baths in Hull or such like I had the mixed fortune of bumping into Rolf Harris, or rather Nan did....The didgereedoo noise Rolf can make was unmistakable, also unmistakable was his trademark 'Kangarolf' or 'Rolfaroo' that he drew on nans rear,yes rear.....I hope nan doesn't get it tattooed like her Burt Reynolds Autograph. Granted when i was a kid i was Burt Reynolds mad, but as a momento of her meeting him an autograph 'there' was just not what a child should see.
I'm not to sure what Rolf is upto these days but the smell of alcohol prolly meant not a lot....plus maybe it explains his attempts at introducing nan to 'penis puppetry'......can you tell what it is yet? Looks like an old penis to me, not the Eiffel tower......Christ was he persistant, definately a case of Rolf Harrass.

Nothing like a thursday to remind you the working week is nearly over and you've done fuck all. well apart from spend money on neccessary but ultimately not enjoyable items, ie. bolts, screws, petrol etc.

Had a lovely letter from Macclesfield Police. To cut a long story short in July some old guffers were making notes of car speeds in P******, they clocked me going excessively down Dickens Lane, i do remember the incident, i was trying to knock a cyclist off his bike at the time, however that was the end of July, somewhere between those miserable shits with their speed camera and emptying their piss sacks, along with the highly efficient local contabulary they managed, after 3 months, to contact me. Being just misrable bastards and not tradebona coppers i've not been fined, just a stern warning of doom should i consider breaking the speed limit again, i'm on their books, my cards are marked, Stalin lives, off to the Gulag for a year or two. However i am not alone, my dad got done about a month before me......on the way to the tip......Think i might buy me some of those rockets seeing as its nearly bonfire night, make a launcher and appear out of the sunroof of my car Iraqi millitant style....run forrest run, take a note of my rockets speed you pair of pissers!

I the style of raging arse botherer and writer, Alan Bennett i bring you............... Lynam not Lynham

It's Tuesday, anybody any suggestions? Come on folks gimme some ideas of what a lazy, smutty, slaphead could do of an evening.......Playing on motorways or launching myself off tall buildings is not an option, for starters if the motorway was nearer it may be an option, but its too far and i can't be arsed, as for tall buildings, well i get vertigo so thats out. Oh yeah jumping infront of a fast moving train, ditto the motorway scenario, but also, i don't do public transport so thats out.... God!! even suicide is to much like hard work. All i'm good at is wanking , drink and drugs. Most of the rest of the population seems to exist on such things, however my Ma disagrees with them. I'm tell ya one day i'm gonna make 'da bitch' a chilli cum cannabis carne.....druggy wank bitch.

Des Lynam is at the Trafford Centre tomorrow, its true, i just hope nan doesn't find out, i mean it'll prolly be on the news and everything. Christ it was bad enough when Gene Pitney came over, she went right off him though, said he was a bit effeminate, a bit feminine, there i can spell feminine.....feminine. They do say its never a good idea to meet your idols, though i must admit i liked '24hrs from Tulsa' and the Duet he did with Marc Almond 'somethings got a hold of my heart' or summat like that...weird nasaly voice though. However Des is different, she said she'd 'do time' for him. God she doesn't half think shes Peggy Mitchell off EastEnders, mind you if she was like Peggy Mitchell Des Lynam might be interested, still a big age gap though and more like Nana Moon

Well another exciting monday of activity over with. Typing this shit maybe, a wank maybe, bit of tv, then bed.....? Oooops i think i'm confusing myself with someone who has a cleary inept social life..... Since perusing the lovely Kari Byron from Mythbusters i've decided a date is in order, after all she really is my kinda gal, cute and can use tools. She prolly changes the oil in her car by herself too, what a woman!! mythbusters

However being a non famous sort of person and living over 5'000 miles apart a date could prove tricky. However i decided that I must create a myth for them to bust, preferably involving me. Obviously being no freak or circus escapee i don't really have a lot to offer in the department of myth busting. However whilst i have alot of pubes i have very little up top. I would quite happily undergo a mythbusting episode of transplanting pubes to my head in order to get within rohypnol administering distance of kari, ok well, sniffing distance and maybe flick a bit of drool in her direction.....But is it a myth? prolly not....i could be a pube head but that prolly won't get me on mythbusters.
Having said that most american men don't have a foreskin, maybe i could use my foreskin for mythbusting activities. Maybe we could see what kind of fungus will grow under there, or maybe they could inflate it to look like a bull frog, or maybe kari just loves them....perhaps she likes the taste of thrush. And i'd like to add, she works with a pair of shitflickers who make me look like sex on toast, so gimme a myth to bust.

Oooh la la

Friday night was about as good as............terrible, Macclesfield what happened? Shit atmosphere,shit weather, shit music.........shit, fucking wank.

Woke up to my neighbours bi annual shag, i was in the mood for a good old tug, so there i was, glass in one hand pressed up against the wall, 5 minutes of fury and it was time to open my bedroom window...... with a loud tarzan style cry I splashed out onto the rabbit hutch below...some might recoil at the thought of it, however the local cats seems to enjoy my self abuse, hey no sniggering at the back about the nearest my cum's been to a pussy in along time........
More cumcats here weirdo

Strangely that picture of the cat looks like Mythbusters sweetie Kari Byron....discuss