I the style of raging arse botherer and writer, Alan Bennett i bring you............... Lynam not Lynham

It's Tuesday, anybody any suggestions? Come on folks gimme some ideas of what a lazy, smutty, slaphead could do of an evening.......Playing on motorways or launching myself off tall buildings is not an option, for starters if the motorway was nearer it may be an option, but its too far and i can't be arsed, as for tall buildings, well i get vertigo so thats out. Oh yeah jumping infront of a fast moving train, ditto the motorway scenario, but also, i don't do public transport so thats out.... God!! even suicide is to much like hard work. All i'm good at is wanking , drink and drugs. Most of the rest of the population seems to exist on such things, however my Ma disagrees with them. I'm tell ya one day i'm gonna make 'da bitch' a chilli cum cannabis carne.....druggy wank bitch.

Des Lynam is at the Trafford Centre tomorrow, its true, i just hope nan doesn't find out, i mean it'll prolly be on the news and everything. Christ it was bad enough when Gene Pitney came over, she went right off him though, said he was a bit effeminate, a bit feminine, there i can spell feminine.....feminine. They do say its never a good idea to meet your idols, though i must admit i liked '24hrs from Tulsa' and the Duet he did with Marc Almond 'somethings got a hold of my heart' or summat like that...weird nasaly voice though. However Des is different, she said she'd 'do time' for him. God she doesn't half think shes Peggy Mitchell off EastEnders, mind you if she was like Peggy Mitchell Des Lynam might be interested, still a big age gap though and more like Nana Moon